You’ll find that I don’t very often write about my partner, my relationship, or my marriage much on my blog. It’s not that I don’t want to- I think I probably would benefit from just having a big fat core dump of what’s running around in my head regarding my relationship.

However, I am of the school that some things should remain private and I don’t feel it would be fair or appropriate to write about my relationship with my partner.

So I don’t very often.

What I will say is that being 50 gives me the autonomy, the courage, and the opportunity to change my mind about many things.

For instance the agreement I made with my partner was that I would work until we had children and then I would be the one to stay home and raise and take care of the children. That would mean tending to their needs and wants, be in charge of running the house, making sure lunches are packed and making sure homework was done etc…

And almost 20 years later with a child who is of middle school age – I find that my wants and desires have changed in regards to that and it’s me who would like more freedom and have the ability to travel for my job that I do from home. To spend time with grown-ups and have philosophical conversations about subject matter that I’m interested in.

I’ve had a really tough time with my wants and desires and goals changing. I have felt extraordinarily guilty because I don’t want the same things I did almost 20 years ago. I have felt extraordinarily guilty about wanting to negotiate about the agreements I made with my partner almost years ago. I don’t want my partner or my child to feeling anyway that I don’t love them or that they are second in my life. Or that I want to leave them- Physically or emotionally. But I am needing some different things in my life and I think it’s extraordinarily important that I find them and implement them in my life.

And then of course there’s menopause which added to the pot changes everything once again.

What I will share with you is that when you’re young and impressionable and you really don’t know who you are you will find yourself going to great lengths to be accepted. And during that precarious time in your life you might find yourself agreeing to things at the core level you wouldn’t necessarily be comfortable with — all for the sake of wanting to be accepted and loved.

So now almost 20 years later and me being 50 years old many things in my heart and my head are changing. I’m realizing it’s okay for the first time of my life to put myself first and not stand two steps behind my partner in every area of our life.

Some days that’s a very scary place to be- To just put your chin out there and say “hey it’s my turn to go first this time” – Are actually say the words “What about me?” To realize that the job you do have possesses just as much worth, power and holds as much weight as your partners even though you’re not making the same salary he does.

And that you realize that emotionally you may have been sleeping for a really long time and now that you’re awake you’re looking around at your surroundings and realizing that there are some things that just need to change.

That’s what happens when we get real and we dig deep.