A note from the universe.


My note from the universe. I get these daily. They are always pretty right on and they creep me out a little.

Heres today’s :

I can imagine that from your perspective, it must seem like some truly awful things happen in time and space. So, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to weigh in.

You live in a world of illusions. A world that springs from a much deeper and far greater reality. And while at times the illusions are indeed ugly, with your physical senses you only see the tip of the iceberg. If you could see the whole, you’d discover that the unpleasantness was only the tiniest piece of a most spectacular puzzle that was created with order, intelligence, and absolute love. You’d see that contrary to appearances, in the grandest scheme of things, nothing is ever lost, no one becomes less, and setbacks are always temporary. And you’d understand that no matter what has happened, everyone lives again, everyone laughs again, and everyone loves again, even more richly than before.

Hubba, hubba –
The Universe

Gray.


20131109-151456.jpg I feel gray. Nothing is black or white with me these days. And my world certainly is not technicolor. I don’t know in or if I’m out- i’m not sure if I’m up or if I’m down.

I’m just gray.

Which I don’t think is much different than being just “meh”

When we first meet someone and decide to embark upon a relationship most of the time our best foot is put forward. And then after time we begin to get comfortable and sometimes incredibly complacent. We began to speak to our significant other pretty much any way we see fit – and that doesn’t always mean very nicely.

The farting in front of each other begins – the door is left open when we pee or God for bid poop. We forget to say please and thank you and I appreciate you and sometimes the I love you’s are replaced with grunts – or sometimes even silence. Passionate kisses turn into pecks and sometimes pecks turns into kisses on the forehead or the cheek.

Often we become lonely. And we try to fill that void or loneliness with something. That something to some people is food, to others it’s alcohol, to even others it’s drugs, shopping, sex, or other people.

And when our world crashes around us and we look at the ruins at our feet more often than not we are just so dismayed and outraged and we wonder how in the fuck did I get myself into the situation in the first place?

How did I get here?

So then we begin the often brutal and very painful process of really examining who we are, what motivates us, and why we are making the choices that were making at present time. Kind of like Humpty Dumpty – but we hope for a better outcome.

What I do know is that in my 20s I would have had one hand on my hip and my other arm out pointing at someone and saying this is your fault ! this is your fault ! this is your fault ! you make me feel blank!!!! Refusing to accept any responsibility whatsoever for my choices or my life.

In my 30s and well into my 40s I would have gone the other way and fact I did go the other way and I accepted responsibility for every fucking thing. Everything was my fault! And I wore that martyr badge so goddamn proudly. Lay it all on me! I have big fucking shoulders! I can carry the burdens of the world on them just try me out!

And so now I am 50- The age of balance and hopefully enlightenment. More importantly I’m beginning to become inundated with my feelings. I’m not just happy or angry. I am everything in between.

So for today I am gray.

When we dig deep


You’ll find that I don’t very often write about my partner, my relationship, or my marriage much on my blog. It’s not that I don’t want to- I think I probably would benefit from just having a big fat core dump of what’s running around in my head regarding my relationship.

However, I am of the school that some things should remain private and I don’t feel it would be fair or appropriate to write about my relationship with my partner.

So I don’t very often.

What I will say is that being 50 gives me the autonomy, the courage, and the opportunity to change my mind about many things.

For instance the agreement I made with my partner was that I would work until we had children and then I would be the one to stay home and raise and take care of the children. That would mean tending to their needs and wants, be in charge of running the house, making sure lunches are packed and making sure homework was done etc…

And almost 20 years later with a child who is of middle school age – I find that my wants and desires have changed in regards to that and it’s me who would like more freedom and have the ability to travel for my job that I do from home. To spend time with grown-ups and have philosophical conversations about subject matter that I’m interested in.

I’ve had a really tough time with my wants and desires and goals changing. I have felt extraordinarily guilty because I don’t want the same things I did almost 20 years ago. I have felt extraordinarily guilty about wanting to negotiate about the agreements I made with my partner almost years ago. I don’t want my partner or my child to feeling anyway that I don’t love them or that they are second in my life. Or that I want to leave them- Physically or emotionally. But I am needing some different things in my life and I think it’s extraordinarily important that I find them and implement them in my life.

And then of course there’s menopause which added to the pot changes everything once again.

What I will share with you is that when you’re young and impressionable and you really don’t know who you are you will find yourself going to great lengths to be accepted. And during that precarious time in your life you might find yourself agreeing to things at the core level you wouldn’t necessarily be comfortable with — all for the sake of wanting to be accepted and loved.

So now almost 20 years later and me being 50 years old many things in my heart and my head are changing. I’m realizing it’s okay for the first time of my life to put myself first and not stand two steps behind my partner in every area of our life.

Some days that’s a very scary place to be- To just put your chin out there and say “hey it’s my turn to go first this time” – Are actually say the words “What about me?” To realize that the job you do have possesses just as much worth, power and holds as much weight as your partners even though you’re not making the same salary he does.

And that you realize that emotionally you may have been sleeping for a really long time and now that you’re awake you’re looking around at your surroundings and realizing that there are some things that just need to change.

That’s what happens when we get real and we dig deep.

When Women Become Bitches….


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I stop what I’m doing and make homemade granola.

You think I kid — but no I am serious.

In my day job I am surrounded by thousands of women — 90% of who I deal with on a daily basis are women.  (I bet all you guys are licking your chops aren’t you.)

They are all different shapes, sizes, cultures, socioeconomic status, race, creed, faith, personalities,  and various walks of life — it’s truly for the most part a delightful diverse melting pot of individuals.

Most of the time I love my job.  Today is not one of those days.

The majority if the women I interact are delightful and I sincerely mean that. There are only a handful of women who I interact with who are not delightful and down right awful.

After spending almost all day attempting to resolve an issue that would make the majority happy I realized that there was no making everyone happy and I needed to come up with a resolution that would benefit the organization.

So I did.

And boy did he have howlers.

Instead of stressing myself to the point of a nervous breakdown I said :

“Screw this”

I shut everything down and made homemade granola from scratch that I can smell roasting in the oven.

Yep, that’s what I did.  When women become bitches you stop what you’re doing and make granola.

Letting Go With Love


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I had hoped that as I approached middle age that all the drama that we experience in middle school, high school and college would go by the wayside. 

I didn’t realize how mean spirited middle age women could be.  I continue to learn new stuff every day.

What I have taken away from this is that my responsibility is to make my amends, accept responsibility for my crap, keep my side of the street clean, and move on.

So I did.

It’s all about letting go with love — meaning not hating their guts, wanting to kick their asses, and hoping they get hit by a bus. 🙂