Category Archives: Life

Sorry but men you’re full of shit on this one

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One of my male friends on Facebook found a photo of two female journalist who posed for a photo with a very attractive, muscular, buff, gorgeous athlete – and the photo depicted of them reaching out to touch his chest. My friend lamented about how this was wrong and if men we’re going to be admonished women should be as well.

I’ve been waiting for this- just waiting for some guy to dig around and find a photo of a woman touching a guy and saying “See! See! Women are guilty too” y’all did the same thing when women pushback about domestic abuse – instead of addressing the issue around it and getting to the root of the problem – instead of just accepting responsibility that there is a real issue deflecting occurs and the “mansplaining” begins.

In this instance during that time, those women were highly encouraged to physically touch this athlete who they received permission from. They specifically asked him if it was OK and he gave them permission.

In fact Matt Lauer encouraged them to.

That being said it’s never OK to touch someone without their consent. But that is very different than what has transpired below.

And let’s start the list off with the president of the United States Donald J Trump who seems to sidestep every single accusation of sexual harassment against him. Now this is not an exhaustive list but it’s a nice start…

Celebrity chef John Besh: Accused by 25 women of sexual harassment. He has stepped down from the company he founded.

Singer Nick Carter: Accused by pop singer Melissa Schuman of raping her approximately 15 years ago. Carter has denied her allegations.

Comedian Louis C.K.: Accused by five women of sexual misconduct. Planned release of film “I Love You, Daddy” halted. Netflix special canceled. He says the allegations are true and has apologized.

Cinefamily executives Hadrian Belove and Shadie Elnashai: Accused of sexual misconduct. Movie theater shut down in the wake of allegations due to crippling debt.

Actor Richard Dreyfuss: One woman alleges sexual harassment. He denies the allegation.

Film producer Adam Fields: Accused of offering a promotion to a woman at his former employer, Relativity Media, in exchange for sex. He has denied the allegations.

Casting employee Andy Henry: Admitted to urging women to take off their clothes during coaching sessions in 2008 while working on the “CSI” series. He was fired by his current employer.

Actor Dustin Hoffman: Accused by woman of sexual harassing when she was 17. He has apologized for his behavior.

Actor Robert Knepper: Accused by one woman of sexual assault. He denies the allegations.

Showrunner Andrew Kreisberg: Accused by 19 women of sexual harassment and inappropriate touching. The “Supergirl” and “Arrow” showrunner has been suspended by Warner Bros. Television Group. He told Variety he has made comments on women’s appearances and clothes “but they were not sexualized.”

Pixar and Disney Animation chief John Lasseter: Accused by several women of unwanted touching and has announced he is taking a six-month leave of absence. He has acknowledged some “missteps” with employees and apologized for any behavior that made workers uncomfortable.

Actor Jeremy Piven: Accused by three women of sexual misconduct. He denies all allegations.

Filmmaker Brett Ratner: Accused by at least six women of sexual harassment. Playboy shelved projects with Ratner and Ratner stepped away from Warner Bros. related activities. He denies the allegations.

Comedy festival organizer Gilbert Rozon: Accused by at least nine women of sexually harassing or sexually assaulting them. Rozon stepped down as president of Montreal’s renowned “Just for Laughs” festival and apologized “to all those I have offended during my life.”

Director-producer Gary Goddard: Accused by one man of sexually molesting him when the man was 12. He denies the allegation.

Producer Chris Savino: Accused of harassing up to 12 women. Fired from Nickelodeon. He has apologized for his behavior.

Actor Steven Seagal: Accused by two women of rape. He denies the allegations.

Def Jam Records mogul Russell Simmons: Accused by model Keri Claussen Khalighi of coercing her to perform a sex act and later penetrating her without her consent in his New York apartment in 1991. Simmons has disputed her account, saying the relationship was consensual.

Actor Tom Sizemore: Accused of groping an 11-year-old actress in 2003. Utah prosecutors declined to file charges, citing witness and evidence problems. He denies the allegation.

Actor Kevin Spacey: Accused by at least 24 men of sexual misconduct or assault. London police reportedly investigating two sexual assaults. Fired from “House of Cards” and replaced in Ridley Scott’s completed film “All the Money in the World.” Massachusetts prosecutors are investigating one allegation. His former publicist has said he is seeking unspecified treatment.

Actor Jeffrey Tambor: Two women — an actress on his show “Transparent” and his assistant — allege sexual misconduct. He denies the allegation, saying in a statement that he has “never been a predator — ever.” Tambor said this week he doesn’t see how he can return to the Amazon series.

Actor George Takei: One man alleges sexual assault. He denies the allegation.

Writer-director James Toback: Accused by hundreds of women of sexual harassment. Beverly Hills police investigating complaints. He has denied the allegations to the Los Angeles Times.

“Mad Men” creator Matthew Weiner: Accused by one woman of sexual harassment. He denies the allegation.

Producer Harvey Weinstein: Accused by dozens of women of sexual harassment or sexual assaults, including rape. Fired by The Weinstein Co. and expelled from various professional guilds. Under investigation by police departments in New York, London, Beverly Hills and Los Angeles. Weinstein denies all allegations of non-consensual sex, but he has apologized for causing “a lot of pain” with “the way I’ve behaved with colleagues in the past.”

Actor Ed Westwick: Accused by two women of sexual assault. The BBC pulled an Agatha Christie adaptation from its television schedule and halted production on a second sitcom starring the former “Gossip Girl’ actor. Los Angeles police are investigating. He denies the allegations.

Billboard magazine executive Stephen Blackwell: Accused of sexual harassment by one woman. He has resigned from the magazine.

Penguin Random House art director Giuseppe Castellano: Accused by one woman of sexual harassment. Penguin Random House is investigating. Castellano has not commented.

New Republic publisher Hamilton Fish: Multiple sexual harassment allegations. He has resigned from the magazine.

Journalist Mark Halperin: Accused of harassing about 12 women while at ABC News. Book contract terminated. Fired from job at NBC News. He has denied some of the allegations.

Artforum publisher Knight Landesman: Accused by multiple women of sexual harassment and sued by one woman. He has resigned from the magazine.

NPR news chief Michael Oreskes: Accused of inappropriate behavior or sexual harassment by at least four women while at The New York Times, NPR and The Associated Press. He has been ousted from NPR.

Amazon executive Roy Price: Accused by one woman of sexual harassment. He resigned from Amazon.

PBS and CBS host Charlie Rose: Accused by several women of unwanted sexual advances, groping and grabbing women, walking naked in front of them or making lewd phone calls. He has apologized for his behavior, but has questioned the accuracy of some of the accounts.

New York Times White House reporter Glenn Thrush: Accused of making drunken, unwanted advances on women. He disputes some of the accusations but has said he had had a drinking problem and apologized for “any situation where I behaved inappropriately.”

Webster Public Relations CEO Kirt Webster: Accused of sexual assault by one woman. Firm renamed and Webster is “taking time away.”

Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner: Accused by one man of sexual harassment. He says he did not intend to make the accuser uncomfortable.

New Republic editor Leon Wieseltier: Accused of sexually harassing numerous women. Removed from the masthead of The Atlantic magazine. He has apologized for his behavior.

NBC News booker Matt Zimmerman: Accused of inappropriate conduct by multiple women at the network. He was fired from NBC.

NBC “Today” show anchor Matt Lauer:  Accused of inappropriate sexual behavior. He was fired and was not immediately available for comment.

Garrison Keillor, former host of “A Prairie Home Companion”: Says he has been fired by Minnesota Public Radio over allegations of what the network called improper behavior.

Florida Democratic Party Chairman Stephen Bittel: Accused of sexually inappropriate comments and behavior toward a number of women, Bittel resigned. Meanwhile, Democratic state Sen. Jeff Clemens resigned after a report that he had an extramarital affair with a lobbyist, and Republican state Sen. Jack Latvala is being investigated by the Senate over allegations of harassment and groping. Latvala has denied the allegations.

Former President George H.W. Bush: Accused of patting seven women below the waist while posing for photos with them in recent years, well after he left office. The 93-year-old Republican has issued repeated apologies through a spokesman “to anyone he has offended,” with the spokesman noting that the former president uses a wheelchair and that his arm sinks below people’s waists when they take photos with him.

U.S. Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.): Accused of sexual harassment toward staffers in his office, and has settled one claim of harassment. He has denied the allegations, even the one he settled.

Two Minnesota state lawmakers: Democratic Sen. Dan Schoen and Republican Rep. Tony Cornish — said they would resign after they were accused of misdeeds that ranged from groping colleagues to persistent unwanted sexual advances and sexting.

British Defense Secretary Michael Fallon: Accused of inappropriate advances on two women, the Conservative resigned. Sexual harassment and assault allegations have also emerged against a number of other U.K. political figures. Labour Party legislator Carl Sargeant is believed to have taken his own life after harassment allegations cost him his post as the Welsh government’s Cabinet secretary for communities and children. He had asked for an independent inquiry to clear his name. Also, Labour Party member Ivan Lewis has been suspended over an allegation of sexual misconduct; Lewis disputed the account but apologized if his behavior had been “unwelcome or inappropriate.”

U.S. Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn.): Accused of forcibly kissing Los Angeles radio anchor Leeann Tweeden while rehearsing for a 2006 USO tour; Franken also was photographed with his hands over her breasts as she slept. He also has been accused by three other women of touched their buttocks. Franken has apologized, though hasn’t admitted to groping or other inappropriate touching. He has acknowledged that some women felt that he had done something offensive during their encounters. He faces a Senate ethics investigation for improper conduct.

Kentucky House Speaker Jeff Hoover: Stepped down as speaker this month after news surfaced that the Republican had settled a sexual harassment claim from a GOP caucus staffer. Hoover denied the harassment allegation but said he sent consensual yet inappropriate text messages. He remains in the Legislature.

U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore (R.-Ala.): Accused of sexually assaulting two women decades ago when they were teenagers; about a half-dozen other women have accused Moore of inappropriate conduct. The former state Supreme Court chief justice denies the allegations. He has rebuffed pressure from national Republican leaders to step aside; the state GOP is standing by him.

Johnny Anderson, a staffer for Democratic Louisiana Gov. John Bel Edwards: The deputy chief of staff for programs and planning resigned to avoid becoming a “distraction” to the governor. Accused of sexual harassment, he denies any wrongdoing.

International Olympic Committee member Alex Gilady: Accused by two women of rape and by two others of inappropriate conduct. Gilady denied the rape accusations, said he didn’t recall one of the other allegations, but acknowledged a claim he’d propositioned a woman during a job interview 25 years ago was “mainly correct.” He stepped down as president of an Israeli broadcasting company he founded. The IOC has said it is looking into the allegations.

Former South African soccer association president Danny Jordaan: Accused by former member of parliament Jennifer Ferguson of raping her in 1993. Jordaan denies the accusation.

And we can add former President Bill Clinton to that list along with Bill Cosby, Roman Polanski –

Do I need to say anymore?

When Friends Change…

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When I was in high school I had a very small circle. When I mean a small circle I mean a very small circle -I had one best friend Elizabeth and I knew a lot of people – but she was the one that knew all of my secrets, saw the ugly cry, held my hand through so many scary things, and really got me. I didn’t and I don’t have to pretend with her. I can be just who I am and she accepts me warts and all – just as I am. It doesn’t matter that 2500 mile separates us – we pick up where we left off every single time we talk.

As I got older navigating relationships became more and more difficult. I had expectations of how I thought the friendship should be. What I didn’t realize is that everybody comes with baggage, and to be truly a real friend you have acknowledge and accept their baggage as well as what they bring to the table. What I didn’t know at the time – but I know now is that there are people that will come in and out of your life – they might serve a purpose, carry out a task, or just be there when you need them, and then they might go away. And that’s okay. I have also learned during this time with what I call transitionary friends is that I don’t have to accept their  baggage. I just don’t. That most likely means a real and true friendship won’t blossom – but that’s OK too.

These days I’m not so much interested in superficial anything. I’m interested in deep and abiding friendships that are authentic and have integrity- and that means I do acknowledge and accept their baggage, it’s part of who they are.

I used to feel guilty when I would clear the decks and cull the deadwood – not anymore. It’s refreshing. I love myself enough to come to the point that I am able to say out loud it’s a privilege to know me, and it’s a privilege to be in my company – I don’t feel embarrassed or bad to say that at all.

A note from the universe.

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My note from the universe. I get these daily. They are always pretty right on and they creep me out a little.

Heres today’s :

I can imagine that from your perspective, it must seem like some truly awful things happen in time and space. So, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to weigh in.

You live in a world of illusions. A world that springs from a much deeper and far greater reality. And while at times the illusions are indeed ugly, with your physical senses you only see the tip of the iceberg. If you could see the whole, you’d discover that the unpleasantness was only the tiniest piece of a most spectacular puzzle that was created with order, intelligence, and absolute love. You’d see that contrary to appearances, in the grandest scheme of things, nothing is ever lost, no one becomes less, and setbacks are always temporary. And you’d understand that no matter what has happened, everyone lives again, everyone laughs again, and everyone loves again, even more richly than before.

Hubba, hubba –
The Universe

A giant of a man has left our planet

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My Dad died. I have no idea what I am going to do.  Breathing is hard.  Our relationship was complicated.  I am thankful we left on good terms. He knew I loved him fiercely and I knew he loved me.

I hope that was enough.  Rest in peace Dad, God knows you deserve it.

Chuck Engel Dad

Charles “Chuck” Lee Engel was born in Fargo, North Dakota on August 24th, 1936 to his mother, Leone I. McCrady (née Engel). Chuck passed away after a brief illness on January 20th, 2016 at 6:08 AM, Swedish Medical Center, Seattle, Washington at the age of 79.

As a young child Chuck spent much of his time in Fargo, North Dakota and Fergus Falls, Minnesota, and later moved to the Pacific Northwest with his mother, where he was raised in Tacoma, Washington.

In August of 1956, he met the love of his life Diane E. Kemp. On April 18th, 1958 they married in Seattle, Washington, settling in Belfair, Washington where they started their family. Always good with his hands, Chuck’s first job was working for Red’s Electric winding motors and began an apprenticeship as an electrician.

In September of 1959 Chuck was drafted into the United States Army and served our country for six years as a Telecommunications Technician with a tour overseas serving at USAG Baumholder Army base in Baumholder, Germany. After receiving an honorable discharge in September, 1965, Chuck returned to work at Red’s Electric until 1967.

Chuck’s career for the rest of his professional life revolved around fresh water irrigation systems, fresh water pumps, and the waste water industry. He was the regional manager of the West Coast Division of Hydromatic Pumps for several years in California and then later returned to his home state of Washington where he traveled extensively to Alaska, managing and administrating waste water treatment plants all throughout the state.

After nearly three decades selling, installing, and administrating fresh water and municipal waste water treatment plants, Chuck served as the Superintendent of Waste Water for Kitsap County until 1994, and then went to work for Familian Northwest, retiring in 1998.

He and his wife Diane lived on the banks of Lake Devereaux for 27 years before relocating to Kent, Washington in 2005.

Chuck enjoyed, photography, fishing, hunting, gardening, traveling and oh my goodness, he was an amazing cook. An avid reader, his interests revolved around historical novels and World War II topics. Chuck did a lot of volunteering for Senior Services of King County, driving senior citizens to and from various appointments, and could be found exercising regularly at the Senior Center and with his “Easy Breathing” group for patients with various kinds of breathing issues.

The center of his life revolved around Diane, his wife of 57 years. His children and his wife loved him fiercely, and fondly referred to him as “The Lion” of their family.

Chuck is survived by his daughter Marna Gatlin, and her husband, Manny Gatlin of Warren, Oregon; daughter, Lisa Carr, and her husband David Carr of Kent, Washington, and son, Cristifer Engel, and his wife Verlynna Engel of Wenatchee, Washington; three grandchildren, grandson, Joshua, granddaughter, Ashley, and grandson, Nicholas; and one great granddaughter Abigail. Cousins, Robert “Bob” Baker, his wife Vonnie, of Fergus Falls, Minnesota and Mary Jo Kilde, of Battle Lake, Minnesota.

His mother, Leone, preceded him in death in 1970, his very special Aunt, Inez Baker 1981, and cousins Helen Lund, 2000, and Jean Ann Bassett 2011.
Per Chuck’s wishes there will be no funeral services.

Last but not least Chuck leaves behind his beloved Bombay cat, friend and companion “Thomas” of the family home.
A giant of a man has left our planet. He is loved so very much, and we will miss him every single day.

I don’t get it.

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I have a specific set of values and philosophies I hold in regards to gun ownership. I feel as strongly about those views as my friends who have an opposite set of values. And that’s really OK because I respect their point of view even though I may not agree with it.

However what I don’t understand is that some of my friends ( not all ) who are at the opposite end of the spectrum regarding their feelings about gun ownership are hell-bent on lumping all of us who are gun owners in this category that we are violent – blood thirsty- war mongers. And that all we think about is kill kill kill.

That’s the farthest thing from the truth.

I am probably one of the most peaceful people on the planet.

So this is what I don’t get- some of my friends ( again, not all ) who do not share my views on gun ownership verbally are some of the most violent people I have ever met. The hate, the threatening words, and the anger that comes out of their mouths is just over-the-top.

I really don’t get that.

Then again – I have a very different view of the world now after almost dying.

And I think I will save that story for a different day.

Why I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.

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I see my friends writing their valentine day story about their loves…

My ( our ) story of course is a little funny.

I should tell you that we don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day in our home – because we are firm believers that every day at our house is Valentine’s Day but I digress…

Many years ago I was a huge fan of Valentine’s Day. I couldn’t get enough of it. Cards, chocolate, decorations – any day to celebrate Cupid and love was what this girl was all about. Romance romance and more romance. I could’ve been a Harlequin romance character.

In 1995 I found myself separated after a very long and frustrating marriage – looking for a new start – in a new place – and I met a pretty cool guy. He was not like anybody else I had other met – he was smart, kind, articulate, and just different. I felt I had met someone I had known for a really long time.

So much to the horror of our parents we moved in together after not knowing each other for very long. And my logic was – that’s okay I’m not committing to anyone – and we both have the understanding that we put the brakes on regarding romance and just focus on living.

And live we did – we had so much fun together. My thinking was rightly so-
After all – life after divorce is difficult.

So – On Valentine’s Day in 1995 we were both sitting at our crappy little card table that was in the kitchen – as we were both very poor and this was the only thing we could afford. We were having breakfast and the doorbell rang. I got up and answered the door and a very nice kid in a suit asked me if I knew Tabitha McFeely and I said yes that was me and he said “you have been served have a lovely Valentine’s Day.”

I knew this day was coming because I really needed it to happen, however, it was still pretty devastating. I opened the envelope and it was the divorce papers being served to me by my ex-husband. As I turned the envelope over and over in my hands I said aloud well played, well played, well played.

As I am crying into my eggs and closing a chapter on a part of my life that I had invested over 10 years Zach was so very kind, encouraging, and really a great cheerleader to me. The peptalk he gave me was just great and I remember a lot of those words even today 20 years later.

We continued to eat breakfast and make small talk about what we were going to do that day –it was a Tuesday and I’m not sure why we were both off of work but we were.

The doorbell rang again and this time Zach got up and went to answer the door. And I could hear an exchange of voices – “Good morning, i’m looking for Zachariah Cunningham are you Zachariah? And then of course ” have a good day, happy Valentine’s Day, you’ve been served”

Zach walked back into the kitchen with his envelope which of course had his divorce papers inside looking devastated and honestly it was laughable. I then proceeded to parrot back the very same peptalk he gave me:)

And as we sat there trading war stories and showing each other our war wounds ( divorce papers) we said “fuck it” and we jumped in the car and went to Disneyland.

That was how we spent the very first of our next 20 Valentine’s Days together.

So we don’t celebrate this day- not one iota.

But we sure do laugh a lot on this day because that day 20 years ago was just too goddamn funny.

Dear 2015…

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I’m so glad you are here. 2014 was riddled with so much angst and uncertainty that for much of the year it was very scary.

In all fairness, 2014 wasn’t a total bust, however, I personally struggled and was unhappy for much of it.

So, as of today I am all “in” and embracing 2015 and hoping of all hope that this year treats me with love, gentleness, success, and kindness for me and my entire family – we all deserve a break.

Thank you 2015 for arriving, I’m glad you are here.

One of the many reasons why Robin Williams was an amazing man

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My friend Kate shared this story of her encounter with Robin Williams during a particularly difficult time in her life. :

“I am sitting with my kids who are in a wagon singing So Long, Farewell and pretending they are sailing to Ireland to pick up trash on their next expedition. And a text from a dear friend just came in. And then another and then a news alert. And before the sideline commentary starts about this being just another spoiled Hollywood star with a list of addictions who couldn’t get his shit together, let me share a little story I haven’t told anyone. Not my best friend, not my parents, not anyone. Because it is too precious to me. But now is the time. And now is the place.

After Greg died I went on a travel quest of sorts, scattering his ashes where he requested and trying to piece my life and my soul back together as best I could. I spent quite a bit of time flying between LAX and Oakland, as I was living in West Hollywood but contemplating a move to San Francisco or Marin and visiting my best friend monthly at a minimum. Post 9/11 it wasn’t always easy to get a Tupperware of your late husband’s ashes through TSA security and at LAX one afternoon I found myself on the receiving end of an agent with a power trip like no other. After several threats of telling me I was going to have to toss the ashes, and me going ballistic and falling into hysterics and finally having a real cop come in and look at the death certificate I always carried with me, I made it to the bar still crying and clutching my little container. I sat in a corner table facing the wall with my whiskey on the rocks, and I felt a hand on my shoulder. And a soft voice asked “miss, I just want to be sure you are ok. I see you are traveling alone, and I saw what happened, and I just really want to be sure you are ok.” And through my tears I could place the voice but couldn’t actually believe that Robin Williams was just casually strolling through LAX and would actually take the time to stop to see if I was ok.

I was still crying that ugly cry where you are trying to catch your breath, and I gave him the Cliff Notes version of circumstances. And his eyes got a little glossy. And his voice got soft. And he said to me “Addiction is a real bitch. Mental illness and depression are the mother of all bitches. I am so sorry for all the pain your husband was in. I’m so sorry for the pain you are in now. But it sounds like you have family and friends and love. And that tips the scale a bit, right?” And he walked me to the gate as we were on the same commercial flight.

He was a gentle soul. He made us laugh and he made us cry. He made us feel with his craft. He was honest about his demons. He was open about his mistakes and his faults. He was obviously in pain.

Mental illness and severe depression are the mother of all bitches. Damn straight.

Rest in peace, Mr Williams. May you find the peace that alluded you here and may you keep the angels laughing.

Thanks for being there that day for me. You were the angel I needed. And I know you spoke from experience and I appreciated that.”

Gray.


20131109-151456.jpg I feel gray. Nothing is black or white with me these days. And my world certainly is not technicolor. I don’t know in or if I’m out- i’m not sure if I’m up or if I’m down.

I’m just gray.

Which I don’t think is much different than being just “meh”

When we first meet someone and decide to embark upon a relationship most of the time our best foot is put forward. And then after time we begin to get comfortable and sometimes incredibly complacent. We began to speak to our significant other pretty much any way we see fit – and that doesn’t always mean very nicely.

The farting in front of each other begins – the door is left open when we pee or God for bid poop. We forget to say please and thank you and I appreciate you and sometimes the I love you’s are replaced with grunts – or sometimes even silence. Passionate kisses turn into pecks and sometimes pecks turns into kisses on the forehead or the cheek.

Often we become lonely. And we try to fill that void or loneliness with something. That something to some people is food, to others it’s alcohol, to even others it’s drugs, shopping, sex, or other people.

And when our world crashes around us and we look at the ruins at our feet more often than not we are just so dismayed and outraged and we wonder how in the fuck did I get myself into the situation in the first place?

How did I get here?

So then we begin the often brutal and very painful process of really examining who we are, what motivates us, and why we are making the choices that were making at present time. Kind of like Humpty Dumpty – but we hope for a better outcome.

What I do know is that in my 20s I would have had one hand on my hip and my other arm out pointing at someone and saying this is your fault ! this is your fault ! this is your fault ! you make me feel blank!!!! Refusing to accept any responsibility whatsoever for my choices or my life.

In my 30s and well into my 40s I would have gone the other way and fact I did go the other way and I accepted responsibility for every fucking thing. Everything was my fault! And I wore that martyr badge so goddamn proudly. Lay it all on me! I have big fucking shoulders! I can carry the burdens of the world on them just try me out!

And so now I am 50- The age of balance and hopefully enlightenment. More importantly I’m beginning to become inundated with my feelings. I’m not just happy or angry. I am everything in between.

So for today I am gray.

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