20131109-151456.jpg I feel gray. Nothing is black or white with me these days. And my world certainly is not technicolor. I don’t know in or if I’m out- i’m not sure if I’m up or if I’m down.

I’m just gray.

Which I don’t think is much different than being just “meh”

When we first meet someone and decide to embark upon a relationship most of the time our best foot is put forward. And then after time we begin to get comfortable and sometimes incredibly complacent. We began to speak to our significant other pretty much any way we see fit – and that doesn’t always mean very nicely.

The farting in front of each other begins – the door is left open when we pee or God for bid poop. We forget to say please and thank you and I appreciate you and sometimes the I love you’s are replaced with grunts – or sometimes even silence. Passionate kisses turn into pecks and sometimes pecks turns into kisses on the forehead or the cheek.

Often we become lonely. And we try to fill that void or loneliness with something. That something to some people is food, to others it’s alcohol, to even others it’s drugs, shopping, sex, or other people.

And when our world crashes around us and we look at the ruins at our feet more often than not we are just so dismayed and outraged and we wonder how in the fuck did I get myself into the situation in the first place?

How did I get here?

So then we begin the often brutal and very painful process of really examining who we are, what motivates us, and why we are making the choices that were making at present time. Kind of like Humpty Dumpty – but we hope for a better outcome.

What I do know is that in my 20s I would have had one hand on my hip and my other arm out pointing at someone and saying this is your fault ! this is your fault ! this is your fault ! you make me feel blank!!!! Refusing to accept any responsibility whatsoever for my choices or my life.

In my 30s and well into my 40s I would have gone the other way and fact I did go the other way and I accepted responsibility for every fucking thing. Everything was my fault! And I wore that martyr badge so goddamn proudly. Lay it all on me! I have big fucking shoulders! I can carry the burdens of the world on them just try me out!

And so now I am 50- The age of balance and hopefully enlightenment. More importantly I’m beginning to become inundated with my feelings. I’m not just happy or angry. I am everything in between.

So for today I am gray.

Space and the stuff in between

Typically when I avoid this space it’s because I’m trying to work plow through a bunch of shit. And this time is no different. However, I am thinking that perhaps what I should be doing is not avoiding this space but embracing this space. Writing through my stuff, writing about my stuff, feeling my stuff and recognizing my own personal growth.

Five years ago I would have been panicking.

10 years ago I would have been wallowing.

15 years ago I would have been running as fast as my legs and credit cards could take me.

30 years ago I would have been at the bottom of a gin bottle blaming everyone else.

So for today, I’m facing all of this bullshit head-on. Because after all, it really is just bullshit because all of this is just temporary.

I am realizing that at age 50 I am more comfortable with boundaries then I have ever been in my life. The part I’m needing to work on is enforcing those established boundaries and not feeling guilty when others push back against those boundaries. They can push back all they want but there’s nothing that says I have to bend or negotiate my boundaries.

When I look around me and see all of the discomfort, negativity, and insecurity in the world I often find myself hoping to God that I’m not part of that which makes our world such a sucky place to live sometimes.

So, I’m doing my part. I’m plowing through my shit one issue at a time. I’m old enough to realize that there are some things I can let slide. I’m smart enough and old enough now to pick and choose my battles wisely. and I’m cognizant about the shit that I need to square away. It’s really okay that there are some things I don’t tolerate anymore, and there are some things that I’ve drawn a line in the sand about.

Even more important I’m understanding how vital it is that I be genuine to myself and that it’s really okay for me to change my mind.

I think that’s all for tonight.