I feel gray. Nothing is black or white with me these days. And my world certainly is not technicolor. I don’t know in or if I’m out- i’m not sure if I’m up or if I’m down.

I’m just gray.

Which I don’t think is much different than being just “meh”

When we first meet someone and decide to embark upon a relationship most of the time our best foot is put forward. And then after time we begin to get comfortable and sometimes incredibly complacent. We began to speak to our significant other pretty much any way we see fit – and that doesn’t always mean very nicely.

The farting in front of each other begins – the door is left open when we pee or God for bid poop. We forget to say please and thank you and I appreciate you and sometimes the I love you’s are replaced with grunts – or sometimes even silence. Passionate kisses turn into pecks and sometimes pecks turns into kisses on the forehead or the cheek.

Often we become lonely. And we try to fill that void or loneliness with something. That something to some people is food, to others it’s alcohol, to even others it’s drugs, shopping, sex, or other people.

And when our world crashes around us and we look at the ruins at our feet more often than not we are just so dismayed and outraged and we wonder how in the fuck did I get myself into the situation in the first place?

How did I get here?

So then we begin the often brutal and very painful process of really examining who we are, what motivates us, and why we are making the choices that were making at present time. Kind of like Humpty Dumpty – but we hope for a better outcome.

What I do know is that in my 20s I would have had one hand on my hip and my other arm out pointing at someone and saying this is your fault ! this is your fault ! this is your fault ! you make me feel blank!!!! Refusing to accept any responsibility whatsoever for my choices or my life.

In my 30s and well into my 40s I would have gone the other way and fact I did go the other way and I accepted responsibility for every fucking thing. Everything was my fault! And I wore that martyr badge so goddamn proudly. Lay it all on me! I have big fucking shoulders! I can carry the burdens of the world on them just try me out!

And so now I am 50- The age of balance and hopefully enlightenment. More importantly I’m beginning to become inundated with my feelings. I’m not just happy or angry. I am everything in between.

So for today I am gray.