When Friends Change…

When I was in high school I had a very small circle. When I mean a small circle I mean a very small circle -I had one best friend Elizabeth and I knew a lot of people – but she was the one that knew all of my secrets, saw the ugly cry, held my hand through so many scary things, and really got me. I didn’t and I don’t have to pretend with her. I can be just who I am and she accepts me warts and all – just as I am. It doesn’t matter that 2500 mile separates us – we pick up where we left off every single time we talk.

As I got older navigating relationships became more and more difficult. I had expectations of how I thought the friendship should be. What I didn’t realize is that everybody comes with baggage, and to be truly a real friend you have acknowledge and accept their baggage as well as what they bring to the table. What I didn’t know at the time – but I know now is that there are people that will come in and out of your life – they might serve a purpose, carry out a task, or just be there when you need them, and then they might go away. And that’s okay. I have also learned during this time with what I call transitionary friends is that I don’t have to accept their  baggage. I just don’t. That most likely means a real and true friendship won’t blossom – but that’s OK too.

These days I’m not so much interested in superficial anything. I’m interested in deep and abiding friendships that are authentic and have integrity- and that means I do acknowledge and accept their baggage, it’s part of who they are.

I used to feel guilty when I would clear the decks and cull the deadwood – not anymore. It’s refreshing. I love myself enough to come to the point that I am able to say out loud it’s a privilege to know me, and it’s a privilege to be in my company – I don’t feel embarrassed or bad to say that at all.


20131109-151456.jpg I feel gray. Nothing is black or white with me these days. And my world certainly is not technicolor. I don’t know in or if I’m out- i’m not sure if I’m up or if I’m down.

I’m just gray.

Which I don’t think is much different than being just “meh”

When we first meet someone and decide to embark upon a relationship most of the time our best foot is put forward. And then after time we begin to get comfortable and sometimes incredibly complacent. We began to speak to our significant other pretty much any way we see fit – and that doesn’t always mean very nicely.

The farting in front of each other begins – the door is left open when we pee or God for bid poop. We forget to say please and thank you and I appreciate you and sometimes the I love you’s are replaced with grunts – or sometimes even silence. Passionate kisses turn into pecks and sometimes pecks turns into kisses on the forehead or the cheek.

Often we become lonely. And we try to fill that void or loneliness with something. That something to some people is food, to others it’s alcohol, to even others it’s drugs, shopping, sex, or other people.

And when our world crashes around us and we look at the ruins at our feet more often than not we are just so dismayed and outraged and we wonder how in the fuck did I get myself into the situation in the first place?

How did I get here?

So then we begin the often brutal and very painful process of really examining who we are, what motivates us, and why we are making the choices that were making at present time. Kind of like Humpty Dumpty – but we hope for a better outcome.

What I do know is that in my 20s I would have had one hand on my hip and my other arm out pointing at someone and saying this is your fault ! this is your fault ! this is your fault ! you make me feel blank!!!! Refusing to accept any responsibility whatsoever for my choices or my life.

In my 30s and well into my 40s I would have gone the other way and fact I did go the other way and I accepted responsibility for every fucking thing. Everything was my fault! And I wore that martyr badge so goddamn proudly. Lay it all on me! I have big fucking shoulders! I can carry the burdens of the world on them just try me out!

And so now I am 50- The age of balance and hopefully enlightenment. More importantly I’m beginning to become inundated with my feelings. I’m not just happy or angry. I am everything in between.

So for today I am gray.

When we dig deep


You’ll find that I don’t very often write about my partner, my relationship, or my marriage much on my blog. It’s not that I don’t want to- I think I probably would benefit from just having a big fat core dump of what’s running around in my head regarding my relationship.

However, I am of the school that some things should remain private and I don’t feel it would be fair or appropriate to write about my relationship with my partner.

So I don’t very often.

What I will say is that being 50 gives me the autonomy, the courage, and the opportunity to change my mind about many things.

For instance the agreement I made with my partner was that I would work until we had children and then I would be the one to stay home and raise and take care of the children. That would mean tending to their needs and wants, be in charge of running the house, making sure lunches are packed and making sure homework was done etc…

And almost 20 years later with a child who is of middle school age – I find that my wants and desires have changed in regards to that and it’s me who would like more freedom and have the ability to travel for my job that I do from home. To spend time with grown-ups and have philosophical conversations about subject matter that I’m interested in.

I’ve had a really tough time with my wants and desires and goals changing. I have felt extraordinarily guilty because I don’t want the same things I did almost 20 years ago. I have felt extraordinarily guilty about wanting to negotiate about the agreements I made with my partner almost years ago. I don’t want my partner or my child to feeling anyway that I don’t love them or that they are second in my life. Or that I want to leave them- Physically or emotionally. But I am needing some different things in my life and I think it’s extraordinarily important that I find them and implement them in my life.

And then of course there’s menopause which added to the pot changes everything once again.

What I will share with you is that when you’re young and impressionable and you really don’t know who you are you will find yourself going to great lengths to be accepted. And during that precarious time in your life you might find yourself agreeing to things at the core level you wouldn’t necessarily be comfortable with — all for the sake of wanting to be accepted and loved.

So now almost 20 years later and me being 50 years old many things in my heart and my head are changing. I’m realizing it’s okay for the first time of my life to put myself first and not stand two steps behind my partner in every area of our life.

Some days that’s a very scary place to be- To just put your chin out there and say “hey it’s my turn to go first this time” – Are actually say the words “What about me?” To realize that the job you do have possesses just as much worth, power and holds as much weight as your partners even though you’re not making the same salary he does.

And that you realize that emotionally you may have been sleeping for a really long time and now that you’re awake you’re looking around at your surroundings and realizing that there are some things that just need to change.

That’s what happens when we get real and we dig deep.