Radio silence sucks…


Right now I’m kind of in this weird place. I’m not sure what to do.

In fact, I don’t think there’s really anything to do. It would be helpful if I could say I felt truly sad, or resigned, or badly or angry… But I’m not really any of those.

I think I’m more unsure, in the dark, puzzled. And that’s ok I guess.

One sided friendships have always been the bane of my existence. I can’t figure it out. I’ve run the gambit in regards to wondering why they happen the way they do.

I’ve thought things like:

My expectations are too high?

I have too much energy?

I’m overwhelming?

I’m too emotional?

I’m too loud?

I’m too dramatic?

I’m just not the kind of friend someone wants to spend time around?

I’m too needy?

I’m picking the wrong friends?

Is it just an outta sight outta mind thing?

Or I thought we were better friends than we are or were?
The reality is I don’t ever know what’s really going on with them on their side of the fence. If I had a clue I’d get it, and understand. But silence is hard to interpret.

I don’t know the answer to any of this but I have this perpetual habit of befriending those who aren’t emotionally available.

Anyhow the latest friendship saga ( and it’s not even drama) is regarding befriended about five months ago. We really hit it off ( or so I thought ). I was someone to lean on and I also received support when I needed it – it was a two way street.
Went through a couple months ago just dropped off the face of the earth. We talked about it. He shared with me he was going through some stuff and I get that.

And now another round of radio silence. And I’m super done with feeling weird, insecure, or worried I might have said something offensive.

This friendship is pretty much over.
In my book friendships shouldn’t have to be this hard.
Am I going to bed sad?
Yep. But that’s life

😶☹️😣😬

A note from the universe.


My note from the universe. I get these daily. They are always pretty right on and they creep me out a little.

Heres today’s :

I can imagine that from your perspective, it must seem like some truly awful things happen in time and space. So, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to weigh in.

You live in a world of illusions. A world that springs from a much deeper and far greater reality. And while at times the illusions are indeed ugly, with your physical senses you only see the tip of the iceberg. If you could see the whole, you’d discover that the unpleasantness was only the tiniest piece of a most spectacular puzzle that was created with order, intelligence, and absolute love. You’d see that contrary to appearances, in the grandest scheme of things, nothing is ever lost, no one becomes less, and setbacks are always temporary. And you’d understand that no matter what has happened, everyone lives again, everyone laughs again, and everyone loves again, even more richly than before.

Hubba, hubba –
The Universe

When we say goodbye…


Another bell in the universe rang, and another soul received its gossamer wings.

As the universe welcomes back one of its own it also releases a new soul into the world.

Kind of like recycling.

Another family member passed away this morning.  He was very old,  pushing 100, a widower for many years,  and I’m thinking probably very ready for a long sleep  until the next time around.

Death is part of life. I just wish it wasn’t so incredibly painful.

A giant of a man has left our planet


My Dad died. I have no idea what I am going to do.  Breathing is hard.  Our relationship was complicated.  I am thankful we left on good terms. He knew I loved him fiercely and I knew he loved me.

I hope that was enough.  Rest in peace Dad, God knows you deserve it.

Chuck Engel Dad

Charles “Chuck” Lee Engel was born in Fargo, North Dakota on August 24th, 1936 to his mother, Leone I. McCrady (née Engel). Chuck passed away after a brief illness on January 20th, 2016 at 6:08 AM, Swedish Medical Center, Seattle, Washington at the age of 79.

As a young child Chuck spent much of his time in Fargo, North Dakota and Fergus Falls, Minnesota, and later moved to the Pacific Northwest with his mother, where he was raised in Tacoma, Washington.

In August of 1956, he met the love of his life Diane E. Kemp. On April 18th, 1958 they married in Seattle, Washington, settling in Belfair, Washington where they started their family. Always good with his hands, Chuck’s first job was working for Red’s Electric winding motors and began an apprenticeship as an electrician.

In September of 1959 Chuck was drafted into the United States Army and served our country for six years as a Telecommunications Technician with a tour overseas serving at USAG Baumholder Army base in Baumholder, Germany. After receiving an honorable discharge in September, 1965, Chuck returned to work at Red’s Electric until 1967.

Chuck’s career for the rest of his professional life revolved around fresh water irrigation systems, fresh water pumps, and the waste water industry. He was the regional manager of the West Coast Division of Hydromatic Pumps for several years in California and then later returned to his home state of Washington where he traveled extensively to Alaska, managing and administrating waste water treatment plants all throughout the state.

After nearly three decades selling, installing, and administrating fresh water and municipal waste water treatment plants, Chuck served as the Superintendent of Waste Water for Kitsap County until 1994, and then went to work for Familian Northwest, retiring in 1998.

He and his wife Diane lived on the banks of Lake Devereaux for 27 years before relocating to Kent, Washington in 2005.

Chuck enjoyed, photography, fishing, hunting, gardening, traveling and oh my goodness, he was an amazing cook. An avid reader, his interests revolved around historical novels and World War II topics. Chuck did a lot of volunteering for Senior Services of King County, driving senior citizens to and from various appointments, and could be found exercising regularly at the Senior Center and with his “Easy Breathing” group for patients with various kinds of breathing issues.

The center of his life revolved around Diane, his wife of 57 years. His children and his wife loved him fiercely, and fondly referred to him as “The Lion” of their family.

Chuck is survived by his daughter Marna Gatlin, and her husband, Manny Gatlin of Warren, Oregon; daughter, Lisa Carr, and her husband David Carr of Kent, Washington, and son, Cristifer Engel, and his wife Verlynna Engel of Wenatchee, Washington; three grandchildren, grandson, Joshua, granddaughter, Ashley, and grandson, Nicholas; and one great granddaughter Abigail. Cousins, Robert “Bob” Baker, his wife Vonnie, of Fergus Falls, Minnesota and Mary Jo Kilde, of Battle Lake, Minnesota.

His mother, Leone, preceded him in death in 1970, his very special Aunt, Inez Baker 1981, and cousins Helen Lund, 2000, and Jean Ann Bassett 2011.
Per Chuck’s wishes there will be no funeral services.

Last but not least Chuck leaves behind his beloved Bombay cat, friend and companion “Thomas” of the family home.
A giant of a man has left our planet. He is loved so very much, and we will miss him every single day.

I don’t get it.


I have a specific set of values and philosophies I hold in regards to gun ownership. I feel as strongly about those views as my friends who have an opposite set of values. And that’s really OK because I respect their point of view even though I may not agree with it.

However what I don’t understand is that some of my friends ( not all ) who are at the opposite end of the spectrum regarding their feelings about gun ownership are hell-bent on lumping all of us who are gun owners in this category that we are violent – blood thirsty- war mongers. And that all we think about is kill kill kill.

That’s the farthest thing from the truth.

I am probably one of the most peaceful people on the planet.

So this is what I don’t get- some of my friends ( again, not all ) who do not share my views on gun ownership verbally are some of the most violent people I have ever met. The hate, the threatening words, and the anger that comes out of their mouths is just over-the-top.

I really don’t get that.

Then again – I have a very different view of the world now after almost dying.

And I think I will save that story for a different day.

When the going gets tough…


I should utilize this site and write when shit happens instead of the other activities eating everything in plain site — you know what I mean?

ostritch head in the sand

And so this happens.  And when this happens —

THIS HAPPENS:

cherrycheesecake

As in I could eat an (have) entire freaking cheesecake to deal with stress.  It’s incredibly ridiculous, stupid, and makes me crazy that I have used that method to cope with stress.

This week has been b r u t a l.

Just absolutely brutal. It’s been one of those weeks where I have had to stop and say truly

whathehell

And then – of course you regroup and move on – yes?  Admit-tingly the moving on part is tough – and I am having moments when I just want to bury my head, cry, and push everyone away.

It will get better – but damn no one could have prepared me as a kid that being an adult would be so freaking complicated.

It’s apparent I have lost my mojo and so I need to get it back.

Like yesterday.