Space and the stuff in between

Typically when I avoid this space it’s because I’m trying to work plow through a bunch of shit. And this time is no different. However, I am thinking that perhaps what I should be doing is not avoiding this space but embracing this space. Writing through my stuff, writing about my stuff, feeling my stuff and recognizing my own personal growth.

Five years ago I would have been panicking.

10 years ago I would have been wallowing.

15 years ago I would have been running as fast as my legs and credit cards could take me.

30 years ago I would have been at the bottom of a gin bottle blaming everyone else.

So for today, I’m facing all of this bullshit head-on. Because after all, it really is just bullshit because all of this is just temporary.

I am realizing that at age 50 I am more comfortable with boundaries then I have ever been in my life. The part I’m needing to work on is enforcing those established boundaries and not feeling guilty when others push back against those boundaries. They can push back all they want but there’s nothing that says I have to bend or negotiate my boundaries.

When I look around me and see all of the discomfort, negativity, and insecurity in the world I often find myself hoping to God that I’m not part of that which makes our world such a sucky place to live sometimes.

So, I’m doing my part. I’m plowing through my shit one issue at a time. I’m old enough to realize that there are some things I can let slide. I’m smart enough and old enough now to pick and choose my battles wisely. and I’m cognizant about the shit that I need to square away. It’s really okay that there are some things I don’t tolerate anymore, and there are some things that I’ve drawn a line in the sand about.

Even more important I’m understanding how vital it is that I be genuine to myself and that it’s really okay for me to change my mind.

I think that’s all for tonight.


I’ll take two Vicodin and a shot of bourbon to go please


Yesterday was our annual end of the summer party.

We cut the guest list by about 80 people or more. This year we only had 35. I am finding that really cooking for 35 is just as busy as cooking for 120. I stood at the grill from about 4:30 PM until about 6:30 PM – And add another four hours of standing on concrete in regards to the prep of making shish kebabs.

It was a great party.

18 bottles of wine, 2 pitchers of sangria, 2 cases of water, 2 cases of beer, 3 cases of soda, 39 skewers of shish kabobs, 2 antipasti platters, endless salads, the most amazing mini cupcakes, a big lemon birthday cake, a fabulous fruit and veggie tray and one very smoky bonfire – and a great time was had by all.

I don’t drink much at all- I believe somebody needs to be sober during a party.

Just in case.

So after being on my feet from about seven in the morning till 1:30 the following morning when I got out of bed this morning and attempted to walk I thought it was walking on two painful stumps. Back hurt my shoulders hurt my legs hurt my arms hurt.

Everything hurt.

So I took a pain pill this morning and really thought fleetingly about chasing it with a shot of bourbon but thought better of it.

And for the rest of the day I moved really really slow…

When we dig deep


You’ll find that I don’t very often write about my partner, my relationship, or my marriage much on my blog. It’s not that I don’t want to- I think I probably would benefit from just having a big fat core dump of what’s running around in my head regarding my relationship.

However, I am of the school that some things should remain private and I don’t feel it would be fair or appropriate to write about my relationship with my partner.

So I don’t very often.

What I will say is that being 50 gives me the autonomy, the courage, and the opportunity to change my mind about many things.

For instance the agreement I made with my partner was that I would work until we had children and then I would be the one to stay home and raise and take care of the children. That would mean tending to their needs and wants, be in charge of running the house, making sure lunches are packed and making sure homework was done etc…

And almost 20 years later with a child who is of middle school age – I find that my wants and desires have changed in regards to that and it’s me who would like more freedom and have the ability to travel for my job that I do from home. To spend time with grown-ups and have philosophical conversations about subject matter that I’m interested in.

I’ve had a really tough time with my wants and desires and goals changing. I have felt extraordinarily guilty because I don’t want the same things I did almost 20 years ago. I have felt extraordinarily guilty about wanting to negotiate about the agreements I made with my partner almost years ago. I don’t want my partner or my child to feeling anyway that I don’t love them or that they are second in my life. Or that I want to leave them- Physically or emotionally. But I am needing some different things in my life and I think it’s extraordinarily important that I find them and implement them in my life.

And then of course there’s menopause which added to the pot changes everything once again.

What I will share with you is that when you’re young and impressionable and you really don’t know who you are you will find yourself going to great lengths to be accepted. And during that precarious time in your life you might find yourself agreeing to things at the core level you wouldn’t necessarily be comfortable with — all for the sake of wanting to be accepted and loved.

So now almost 20 years later and me being 50 years old many things in my heart and my head are changing. I’m realizing it’s okay for the first time of my life to put myself first and not stand two steps behind my partner in every area of our life.

Some days that’s a very scary place to be- To just put your chin out there and say “hey it’s my turn to go first this time” – Are actually say the words “What about me?” To realize that the job you do have possesses just as much worth, power and holds as much weight as your partners even though you’re not making the same salary he does.

And that you realize that emotionally you may have been sleeping for a really long time and now that you’re awake you’re looking around at your surroundings and realizing that there are some things that just need to change.

That’s what happens when we get real and we dig deep.

Wet or dry cappuccino? Come on.

This is truly been the day from hell.

Why is it that when I go into a coffee shop and order cappuccino I can’t just get a goddamn cappuccino.

Why is it that they have to complicate everything by saying to me:

“Would you like a wet cappuccino or dry cappuccino”

Every time it’s the same thing. I pause, till my head to the left, give them a weird look like what the hell and I repeat the same words: ( Actually I’m so over this question I usually hiss)

“Just make me a cappuccino please.”

Sometimes I’ve been known to growl”

It ain’t pretty.