My diagnosis: I have a tiny penis.


 

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When I first read this I thought it said: “tiny penis” then I thought “I don’t even have a penis. Do I?”

I’ve been told I have a set of iron clad balls- But no penis. This would explain a lot:)

I’ve always got along better with men than women, I’ve been told I think more like a guy that I do a girl, and I’ve been known to be referred to as a hard ass bitch sometimes:) In fact one guy I dated years ago told me that I was resentful because I didn’t have a penis, and my problem was psychologically I really wanted to stand up and pee like a man.

So maybe my bad attitude stems from the fact that I have a tiny penis:) ha ha ha ha!

Truth be told this is just a fancy word for athletes foot- On my heel:)

Oh and I do have a plantars wart on my foot and the doc wants to treat with duct tape:)

You have no idea how much I have laughed over the fact that I thought for about 10 seconds my diagnosis really was that I had a tiny penis.

Okay so here’s the acid test – I wonder how many perverts I’m going to see googling tiny penis.

Monday mornings or should that be Monday mournings.


Why is it that the older we become the faster time seems to fly by?

Thinking back when I was a child – Christmas couldn’t get here soon enough. Going on a car trip – the destination couldn’t get here soon enough. “How many more miles to have to go ?” we would ask our parents over and over and over. I would keep a calendar that would have countdowns to many things that I anticipated.

For instance, in a former relationship, my partner asshole was in the Navy. He would regularly go on these things called “readiness exercises” – They were typically about 21 days long. My calendar would have the start date and end date and I would put big red X’s on every day he was gone and it seemed like it took years for him to come home when it was only a short 21 days. I had a love hate relationship with these things. I would either start a diet, or rearrange the house, or do something different to my hair, but there was always the anticipation factor when he would leave. And God help me when he would leave for long cruises of six months or more- Those were the worst.

I’m not a good person when it comes to waiting. That stupid quote that says good things come to those who wait is just bullshit my book. I hate being on hold, I hate hate hate standing in line, I don’t like waiting in the doctors office, or a dentist office, my thought is I just hate waiting.

It seemed like it took for ever for me to become 10 – that was such an important age to me and I don’t know why. Turning 16 seemed like an eternity as did turning 18 as well as turning 21. I highly anticipated 25 but then once I broached the age of 30 it was like my life hit the fast-forward button.

And now at age 50 I feel like a time traveler who is traveling at work speed and I can’t find the brakes!

Maybe this has to do with the fact that I become proficient at becoming such a time waster. Maybe the Internet feeds my tendency to be ADD. I can surf the web and begin reading the news and end up on some weird ass site for growing moon rocks in your backyard and not realize that three hours has gone by – time that’ll never get back.

Most likely it has to do with the fact that I work a ridiculous workweek- Typically I put in about 65 hours a week. That’s a lot of hours- but I own my own company and I’m all about making sure things are done right, the needs of our patients are met etc…. Any business owner gets this.

Unfortunately my partner is also in an incredibly demanding job and because of that and his work schedule we don’t get to see each other very much during the week. We also have a kid and balancing life, child raising and work is a challenge.

Which brings me to the weekend.

I used to loathe Friday nights – just loathed them. It was the end of a long week, everyone was crabby, I didn’t want to talk to anybody, I used up all my words for the week, all I wanted to do was sit and vegetate and not interact with the world.

However, when you’re married and have a kid that’s a really an unless you’re sick. And even when you’re sick you still kind of have to interact right? At least you do at my house.

I’m not sure when the shift occurred but I began to really look forward to Friday nights. Saturday nights have always been my favorite night of the week for many reasons- But Friday night began to really rate right up there with all good things in my life. And then of course I began to dread Sunday morning because I knew that before I knew it Sunday night would be here and it would be time to switch gears and mentally prepare for Monday morning – To begin the week again.

This weekend for example I began my work day Friday at around 6 AM. I looked up from my desk and it was already noon; the growl in my stomach told me it was time to stop and eat lunch.

So I did.

I had an appointment in Portland so I grabbed my kid and we made the mad dash to Portland and I got home around 3 PM. I had to think about dinner and that lasted about an hour which took me to about 4 o’clock. I’m not sure what happened between 4 PM and 6 PM that’s a blur but my husband whistled in around 6:30 we had dinner almost immediately and the next thing I knew it was 11 o’clock! We all crashed, slept in, got up and started her day around 8 AM.

And I’ll be damned if I didn’t wake up at 6 o’clock this morning realizing it was freaking Monday all ready!!!!

I used to not understand when retired people would say they’re busier now that you’re retired than they were when they were working. Now I get it – I think it’s because the time just speeds bye.

Oh crap – a lame post brought to you by the letter “L”

Super Moon and Dreams


Any time that we have a super moon I have weird dreams. Last night was no exception.

The bummer about these dreams is that even though they are incredibly vivid – I can smell, taste, feel, here I have a hard time remembering them unless I write them down immediately after get up.

I admit to being a lazy writer and I don’t typically write every detail down.

I remember my dream as being frustrating, sort of sad, a little scary but mostly frustrating.

I was sitting inside a small building that had big windows and the door I was sitting in front of this kind of like a Dutch door the top slot open to where you could see the outside.

There was a man sitting in a wheelchair and he had no legs just stumps for thighs. We both were waiting for some man to come interview us about something. I think it was law-enforcement related. I don’t know if something happened or we were involved in incident together but I remember we were just waiting making small talk.

I remember that there was a flurry of activity, lots of gunfire, lots of yelling, and when I looked over at this man he started to cry. Instinctively I walked over and kneeled next to him and took his hand. He said softly that he was very scared and I remember not being scared but holding his hand up to my lips like I was whispering to his hand that it would be okay and not to worry.

I was lying because I was scared.

I put my arm around him and pulled him close to me but remembering that there was a wheel in between us because he was sitting in a wheelchair.

The man who was going to interview us opened the door and came in and locked it and said we needed to get away from the window and he had In and Out Burger sacks with him they had hamburgers inside. I remember whispering to this man in the wheelchair not to eat hamburgers because I was sure that they were probably poisoned. He nodded slowly and look at me and his eyes were the most incredible green I’ve ever seen and he mouthed to me “I know.”

Then I woke up. It was about 3:30in the morning and I went to the restroom and came back to bed and promptly fell back to sleep.

I began dreaming almost instantly and this time my dream was with Siri- The stupid bitch on my phone. She and I got into a huge catfight. It was over the miss pronunciation of a word. I can’t tell you what word she was mispronouncing but she was clearly mispronouncing a word and it was pissing me off.

I told her that she was mispronouncing this word and she became very angry and told me I was a stupid American. I told her she was a stupid computer- a ridiculous android was no feelings.

Then she started sobbing and started reciting every single secret that I have ever held near and dear to me. She was just spewing them out and yelling them out and I was just horrified. I wanted to kill her.

Every time I want to turn the phone off it would zap me. I was getting more and more angry until the guy from that movie the labyrinth –I think his name is Jared — jumped up in front of me — you know the guy played by David Bowie and he said “you have no power over me.” And then Siri shut up and David Bowie grabbed me and kissed me passionately and I tasted cigarettes and then I woke up.

Weird huh?

I looked at the clock and it was only 6 o’clock and I refused to get up at 6 AM on a Sunday morning. So I rolled over and just kind of laid there and started thinking about these dreams and the next thing I knew I must’ve fallen asleep because I was dreaming again and this time my dream was funny because I was making candy and it was chocolate ganache and it smelled so good and I was hungry and I was eating it by the spoonfuls – I cut a reflection of myself in the mirror and I was like asize 4 and it was amazing.

The orders that I was receiving to dip in the ganache werefor crazy things like a tennis racket, a soccer ball pizza, cucumbers, grapefruit, watermelon, a chicken, pieces steak and a taco.

Then I woke up and it was 9 o’clock and I knew I needed to get up then. So I did.

And now it’s 12 1/2 hours later. I’ve had an incredibly slothy, lazy, amazing great day. My house is still. No sound except for the rain that is steadily falling upon the roof. It’s times like these I wish I lived in a little cabin with a tin roof.

However, this is good enough and the rain is making me incredibly sleepy so with that I’m going to bundle up on our second day of summer and go to sleep to the melody of the rain as it lulls me to sleep.

Good night.

Yeah- it was me who farted next to you in isle three at Costco

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I couldn’t help it. Really I couldn’t. I have added an over abundance of fiber to my diet along with massive amounts of fresh fruits and vegetables.

Costco was a necessary evil — I hate that place but I needed to get “stuff”. Making my way through this hell hole I felt my gut begin its normal afternoon rumble and I paused for a moment and thought “oh shit please not here.” Weaving my way through the throngs of annoyed looking faces I rounded the coffee isle and it began–

My soft little motorboat of methane that propelled me down the coffee isle only audible to me leaving a lovely cloud of methane behind me as its fragrance wafted in with the freshly roasted coffee.

Careful not to panic I looked around and made a face – the only face we store farters can make when we want to pin the blame on someone else. You know the one – the one of disgust “Oh good God did you do that!?”

An older couple exchanged looks and smirks with one another – I am sure they assumed the other had ripped the old SBD – silent but deadly. While others wrinkled their noses, or coughed. I heard a few “My God what the hell died…” Comments and a five year old who exclaimed “Dad! Did you do that because it doesn’t smell like me or mom!”

I continued quietly on my way hoping to God I didn’t receive the finger point and a visit from the fart police of Costco “Mrs. W. Just Fly we traced the trail of methane to you- we know you did it- just admit it.”

Before I knew it I was happily on my way out of that crazy place and back into the safety of my sound proof car where I could really let them rip and relish in the comfort and safety of four doors, windows, and air freshener.

Oh come on- don’t even tell me you haven’t broken wind in the grocery store – I know you have…

Do I Owe You An Explanation When I Unfriend You On Facebook?

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I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook.

It’s fun, amusing, a time sucker, and a drama maker. And the last two words are why I just have the hate part with Facebook. Facebook instead of what it was intended for has turned into a religious, political, opinionated cesspool where our “Facebook Friends” have the ability to share with you their thoughts, opinions, and beliefs about any and everything. They can inundate their friends with political rhetoric, religious pontificating, sales crap, or any scads of other shit. Stuff they’d never do in person. Facebook creates a sense of false security, kind of like liquid courage when we take a shot of whiskey.

I’ll be the first to say I have been guilty of it. I’d be a hypocrite If I said any differently.

However, what I am doing on my own Facebook is asking myself “Would I make this a topic of conversation?” If my answer is yes then I will post it.

Anyhow- I have been systematically either removing folks from my feed or unfriending them. As of late I’ve gotten some push back.

I’m “passive aggressive” because I didn’t make the effort to write to those who I chose to unfriend.

Excuse me? I’m passive aggressive because I don’t feel I owe you an explanation as to why I choose to unfriend you? Since when do I owe anyone an explanation of who I choose to socialize with, talk to, interact with, or have a relationship with?

The bottom line is I don’t.

In fact, one person in particular I unfriend and chose to block I don’t think I will ever communicate with again. I don’t hate This individual — I’m just done and don’t have the energy to take the time to go into a lengthy back and forth with them about the why’s.

They ate never going to understand or accept the why’s – They can proclaim to anyone around them what a mean,disrespectful, and passive aggressive person I am for “dumping them “. And that’s okay. They are entitled to her opinions. They are even entitled to thinking they are right. I am that over it that I don’t care.

So I didn’t give them an explanation. I’m not going to give them an explanation. If they were that worried about it they could have contacted me when it happened and asked me. But no- they didn’t they behaved exactly as I predicted which is one of the many reasons I unfriended them and distanced myself on purpose from them and their circle of friends.

I made a promise to myself when I turned 50 I was going to live differently, become healthy– physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Sometimes that means you have to make decisions that some aren’t going to like.

Today is Friday – My Friday five.

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Food:

1. What’s your favorite food?
2. If you were not allowed to drink water what beverage would you drink for the rest of your life?
3. What food do you refuse to eat under no circumstances?
4. What food can you not live without?
5. What food were you sure you’re going to hate but when you tried it you were pleasantly surprised?

Blogging with the help of Siri :)

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My iPad makes reading blogs fun and easy. Commenting can be a little challenging but I think I figured that out. What I’m trying this morning is blogging via my iPad with the help of Siri. So for fun I am going to dictate to Siri what I’d like to say in my blog post. Right now I am speaking very slowly so Siri can make sure she records and writes everything I say correctly. This should be hilarious because I’m not going to correct any of her mistakes:)

Here goes nothing-

My dreams over the past three weeks have been incredibly interesting. Mr. words and I have decided to go on a mostly plant-based diet for health reasons. By nature of a carnivore and if it’s pork, chicken, beef, turkey if it’s me I’ll eat it. That’s crap I’ll stop three weeks ago. Our diet is 70% plant based with fish wants or twice a week. Aside from dreaming about cuts of beef and bacon I spent a lot of time in the bathroom.

My dreams have been vivid and all revolving around meat. Big huge slabs of meat with lots of A1 sauce and times of bacon piled high to the sky.

(Wow Siri is not doing too badly ah?)

I dreamed I was wearing a bacon dress. In another dream I was wearing chicken breast earrings that were hanging from my ears and made my ears hurt.

As of late I’ve been sautéing are grilling portobello mushrooms so I could have something that was like me but it’s really not the same even though I love Portabella mushrooms.

Okay enough about me I’m sick of talking about me. (The word me should really be meet)

Really any of you with an iPad that has Siri with it should try this cause it’s hysterical I think of Poolie every time I do this:)

The naked bike ride was a couple days ago- I honestly think because I live in the great Pacific Northwest but I’m just really hip chick and I’m cool enough to be comfortable with the naked bike rent.

I’m so not cool and I’m really not comfortable with the naked bike run.

As supportive as I try to be of all my friends who do this I realize I’m just an old lady.

I’m sorry they’re just something that you shouldn’t do naked. One of them is bending over to pick up anything. I don’t care how hot are rocking body you have watching someone bend over to pick up soap, The newspaper, I’ll paper tower off the floor is just damn gross. You also shouldn’t attempt cooking anything naked, going outside to your mailbox Oregon back to picking up a newspaper. I don’t want to see you working out, on your treadmill, on your stationary bicycle, or your elliptical machine for that matter. Don’t put your sweaty butt cheeks on my leather couch, or for that matter sit on anything in my house without underwear on.

There’s too much jiggling, sweating, and weird stuff that happens when we’re naked. I just don’t like it.

Maybe it’s me with the body issues but I think being naked should be reserved for having sex, taking a bath, taking a shower, skinny-dipping.

Toddlers can run around naked now that’s cute. It stops being cute after about age 3.

I used to think I was so cool:). I’ve suddenly become my mother:)

This Siri function is pretty great- I could get used to it. I will have to however learn how to slow down the speed of my speech and make sure that my pronunciation and diction are clear.

Wow I didn’t realize how tired I am of typing. Ha ha! Hey wait I put in like 25 Ha ha ha and Siri only recorded to. So now Siri is the ha ha police?

Okay my dream from last night is coming back to me although it did have me and it wasn’t as heavy on the meet as it normally have been.

I dreamed I was calling my mom and my sister who we’re staying at my moms house. It was pouring down rain when I arrived and they were telling me where they were in the house. I’m not sure why that was important but what. They had all these cell phones in front of them I couldn’t figure out which one was ringing. My mother was upset because my father was traveling on business and didn’t call her the night before.

Then my dream flashed forward to a dream with my sister-in-law and we went to this really weird Chinese restaurant. We had to climb 10 flights of stairs to get up to the restaurant and I was surprised myself because I made it to the top without being winded.

They didn’t even offer any Chinese food.

I woke up.

This post was brought to you by Siri. All grammatical mistakes are hurtful. ( her fault) and yes you have to say the word parentheses to make one.

Rude people and homophobic people SUCK! Or rather than can SUCK it!

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The Tony awards are on tonight- I love them! I also love Neil Patrick Harris – He’s just an amazing entertainer all the way around.

I was texting with a friend ? of mine? ( Well – not really a friend. I’m not sure what she is to be honest) And I was saying how much I enjoyed the Tony awards and I love Neil Patrick Harris.

Her reply to me was:

“I used to love him but now he’s too flaming. Really I don’t care that he’s gay I just don’t want it thrown in my face like he does once they come out the gays just go crazy”

My mouth hung open as I read the text.

My reply back was-

“How rude can you be?”

This ensued a conversation about how she didn’t mean it. And how she didn’t really feel that way. And that we were all entitled to our own opinions. The backpedaling was nauseating.

I told her I thought it was a crock of shit.

She knows she feels that way- She’s homophobic, I’m pretty sure she’s also a racist, And a hard-core Republican. And I’m really glad that we’re not friends.

God – need I say more?

Granted, not all Republicans are that way- But she’s giving all Republicans even the nice ones a about a bad name.

She can just plain suck it.