When your mind won’t stop long enough to pause


Up until the past year I’ve never had a problem sleeping. I could lay my head down and in five minutes be out cold.

And I used to sleep like the dead.

Not so much anymore.

Everything affects me- Much more so than it ever did before.

I’m now sensitive to sound. It’s as if I have developed super sonic hearing. I swear to God I can hear someone talking 5 miles away. I hear every creak, groan, and crack the house makes at night. As much as I not to let my imagination run away with me with God knows what I might think – Aliens, home invasion, robbers, who knows. The truth is I’m sure it’s always the house settling.

My husband snores- This does not help. I can hear the neighbors snoring. It’s just not help.

My room has to be cool, and dark. No light or I don’t sleep. God help me if I’m over warm or sweating.

Last night there was a symphony of bullfrogs out in the meadow across the way making their beautiful music. Do you think that their lullaby could put me to sleep? No unfortunately I don’t know how long they kept me up. What began as something beautiful and reminiscent of my childhood shortly became irritating because I couldn’t sleep.

The rain used to be my natural sleeping pill. The harder it rained the harder I would sleep. Not anymore.

Along with all of this my brain won’t turn off. Part of me wonders if it’s stress and anxiety. Part of me wonders if it’s because I’m older. Part of me wonders if it’s because I run my own business and company and everything is on my shoulders. Part of me wonders if it’s genetic.

I come from a long line of non-– sleepers. So I come by being an insomniac naturally. We were all the night owls- And I used to be and wore that label with great pride. I can remember around 8 PM I would get my second wind, a burst of energy if you will, I could stay up until 1 AM or 2 AM with no problem. Now days if I’m not horizontal by 10 it’s all over for me.

But then sleep doesn’t always come.

I have tried everything- Exercise, reading, praying, warm milk, music, sex, hypnosis, meditation, and drugs.

I think my imagination is my worst enemy. In the good old days I could think about what I would do if I won a huge lottery. I could fantasize about walking into someone’s house and sitting down at the table and writing them a check- Or the places I would travel- Or the kind of house I would build-Or the charities I would help, etc… That in itself would lull me to sleep.

Again, not anymore. I know replace that ritual with worry and it’s so dumb. There’s so many things that I worry about but I have no control over that I can conceivably drive myself batshit.

The also weird thing that’s going on is that I am steadily losing weight- I’m doing it on purpose but I’m continuing to lose weight which is great- What’s weird about this is that I’m dreaming about things but I haven’t thought about in years that I’m realizing I satiated with the way I am at the time. For instance I’m almost down 50 pounds and I’m dreaming about stuff that happened to me when I was out this week many years ago.

Crazy times.

If any of you have insomnia what’s your home cure? How do you get your brain to turn off?

Super Moon and Dreams

Any time that we have a super moon I have weird dreams. Last night was no exception.

The bummer about these dreams is that even though they are incredibly vivid – I can smell, taste, feel, here I have a hard time remembering them unless I write them down immediately after get up.

I admit to being a lazy writer and I don’t typically write every detail down.

I remember my dream as being frustrating, sort of sad, a little scary but mostly frustrating.

I was sitting inside a small building that had big windows and the door I was sitting in front of this kind of like a Dutch door the top slot open to where you could see the outside.

There was a man sitting in a wheelchair and he had no legs just stumps for thighs. We both were waiting for some man to come interview us about something. I think it was law-enforcement related. I don’t know if something happened or we were involved in incident together but I remember we were just waiting making small talk.

I remember that there was a flurry of activity, lots of gunfire, lots of yelling, and when I looked over at this man he started to cry. Instinctively I walked over and kneeled next to him and took his hand. He said softly that he was very scared and I remember not being scared but holding his hand up to my lips like I was whispering to his hand that it would be okay and not to worry.

I was lying because I was scared.

I put my arm around him and pulled him close to me but remembering that there was a wheel in between us because he was sitting in a wheelchair.

The man who was going to interview us opened the door and came in and locked it and said we needed to get away from the window and he had In and Out Burger sacks with him they had hamburgers inside. I remember whispering to this man in the wheelchair not to eat hamburgers because I was sure that they were probably poisoned. He nodded slowly and look at me and his eyes were the most incredible green I’ve ever seen and he mouthed to me “I know.”

Then I woke up. It was about 3:30in the morning and I went to the restroom and came back to bed and promptly fell back to sleep.

I began dreaming almost instantly and this time my dream was with Siri- The stupid bitch on my phone. She and I got into a huge catfight. It was over the miss pronunciation of a word. I can’t tell you what word she was mispronouncing but she was clearly mispronouncing a word and it was pissing me off.

I told her that she was mispronouncing this word and she became very angry and told me I was a stupid American. I told her she was a stupid computer- a ridiculous android was no feelings.

Then she started sobbing and started reciting every single secret that I have ever held near and dear to me. She was just spewing them out and yelling them out and I was just horrified. I wanted to kill her.

Every time I want to turn the phone off it would zap me. I was getting more and more angry until the guy from that movie the labyrinth –I think his name is Jared — jumped up in front of me — you know the guy played by David Bowie and he said “you have no power over me.” And then Siri shut up and David Bowie grabbed me and kissed me passionately and I tasted cigarettes and then I woke up.

Weird huh?

I looked at the clock and it was only 6 o’clock and I refused to get up at 6 AM on a Sunday morning. So I rolled over and just kind of laid there and started thinking about these dreams and the next thing I knew I must’ve fallen asleep because I was dreaming again and this time my dream was funny because I was making candy and it was chocolate ganache and it smelled so good and I was hungry and I was eating it by the spoonfuls – I cut a reflection of myself in the mirror and I was like asize 4 and it was amazing.

The orders that I was receiving to dip in the ganache werefor crazy things like a tennis racket, a soccer ball pizza, cucumbers, grapefruit, watermelon, a chicken, pieces steak and a taco.

Then I woke up and it was 9 o’clock and I knew I needed to get up then. So I did.

And now it’s 12 1/2 hours later. I’ve had an incredibly slothy, lazy, amazing great day. My house is still. No sound except for the rain that is steadily falling upon the roof. It’s times like these I wish I lived in a little cabin with a tin roof.

However, this is good enough and the rain is making me incredibly sleepy so with that I’m going to bundle up on our second day of summer and go to sleep to the melody of the rain as it lulls me to sleep.

Good night.