Yeah- it was me who farted next to you in isle three at Costco




I couldn’t help it. Really I couldn’t. I have added an over abundance of fiber to my diet along with massive amounts of fresh fruits and vegetables.

Costco was a necessary evil — I hate that place but I needed to get “stuff”. Making my way through this hell hole I felt my gut begin its normal afternoon rumble and I paused for a moment and thought “oh shit please not here.” Weaving my way through the throngs of annoyed looking faces I rounded the coffee isle and it began–

My soft little motorboat of methane that propelled me down the coffee isle only audible to me leaving a lovely cloud of methane behind me as its fragrance wafted in with the freshly roasted coffee.

Careful not to panic I looked around and made a face – the only face we store farters can make when we want to pin the blame on someone else. You know the one – the one of disgust “Oh good God did you do that!?”

An older couple exchanged looks and smirks with one another – I am sure they assumed the other had ripped the old SBD – silent but deadly. While others wrinkled their noses, or coughed. I heard a few “My God what the hell died…” Comments and a five year old who exclaimed “Dad! Did you do that because it doesn’t smell like me or mom!”

I continued quietly on my way hoping to God I didn’t receive the finger point and a visit from the fart police of Costco “Mrs. W. Just Fly we traced the trail of methane to you- we know you did it- just admit it.”

Before I knew it I was happily on my way out of that crazy place and back into the safety of my sound proof car where I could really let them rip and relish in the comfort and safety of four doors, windows, and air freshener.

Oh come on- don’t even tell me you haven’t broken wind in the grocery store – I know you have…