Where were you and what were you doing on September 11th, 2001


We were of all places celebrating our anniversary at Disneyland with our then nine-month old. My niece had been born a little over a week earlier. My brother-in-law called us early in the morning and we feared something was wrong with our new baby niece. No, he wanted to know if we were ok and to turn the on television.

Because we were in Southern California I thought maybe he was concerned about an earthquake because they happen a lot of the time.

As it turned on the television and I watched a plane fly into one of the twin towers my mind thought this was an ad for a new Steven Spielberg movie. My brain wasn’t computing what was happening- Or what I was seeing for that matter.

My husband was just coming out of the shower and I said to him grab our son and sit down – “Your brother-in-law just called and something bad has happened in NYC.”

All three of us sat watching the television as we saw the second plane hit the twin tower and we both began to cry. We knew it was real, we knew it was serious, we knew that something horrific and life changing had changed and the world would never ever be the same.

My husband said without any emotion “We are under attack.” I remember taking our son from my husband’s arms and holding him close to me and apologizing to him. I told him mommy was sorry that something so scary was happening. He looked up at me and smiled only as a sweet innocent could not knowing the world around him as we knew it was in chaos.

We called our parents and told them we were okay and we were coming home.  They were worried we wouldn’t be able to get out of the city.  I reminded them who I was married to and if anyone could get out of the city it was my husband.  I was so thankful I had him with me and I wasn’t traveling alone.

Things then quickly began to happen.  We knew we needed to get out of Southern California, especially Disneyland.  There were reports that other planes possibly had hijackers aboard and headed for heavily populated places like Disneyland.  We then rapidly packed our belongings and in a very long line of other people checked out of our hotel thanking God the whole time that we chose to drive to Southern California from Oregon instead of fly. We must have said we were so grateful for driving instead of flying that day.

The drive home was almost like a caravan.  Many people began to make their way out of the city and head for various areas.  There wasn’t a plane in the sky except for a military fighter jet.  I had a sense of comfort seeing that.  I remember we talked about the why, the how, and who it might be.  We had our individual thoughts, concerns, fears and opinions.

We listened to news radio all the way home. I remember at some gas stations the gouging had begun and gas back then was $5.55 a gallon.

I was never more thankful or relieved to be in the safety of my own home when we returned. I remember on the trip home I began to try to contact for specific friends in New York City who I knew worked at the twin towers.  I was petrified because I could not get a hold of them. The waiting was agonizing. And finally we did hear from their families.

My heart is still broken for all of the victims and their families and friends and anyone affected by this horrible tragedy.

My love and prayers are with you all.

I’ll take two Vicodin and a shot of bourbon to go please

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Yesterday was our annual end of the summer party.

We cut the guest list by about 80 people or more. This year we only had 35. I am finding that really cooking for 35 is just as busy as cooking for 120. I stood at the grill from about 4:30 PM until about 6:30 PM – And add another four hours of standing on concrete in regards to the prep of making shish kebabs.

It was a great party.

18 bottles of wine, 2 pitchers of sangria, 2 cases of water, 2 cases of beer, 3 cases of soda, 39 skewers of shish kabobs, 2 antipasti platters, endless salads, the most amazing mini cupcakes, a big lemon birthday cake, a fabulous fruit and veggie tray and one very smoky bonfire – and a great time was had by all.

I don’t drink much at all- I believe somebody needs to be sober during a party.

Just in case.

So after being on my feet from about seven in the morning till 1:30 the following morning when I got out of bed this morning and attempted to walk I thought it was walking on two painful stumps. Back hurt my shoulders hurt my legs hurt my arms hurt.

Everything hurt.

So I took a pain pill this morning and really thought fleetingly about chasing it with a shot of bourbon but thought better of it.

And for the rest of the day I moved really really slow…

We need to help the mentally ill.


I had one of the scariest experiences ever today. I went to our local salon to have a manicure. I sat on one of the empty couches as I waited my turn. About 15 minutes later an older woman sat down on the opposite side of the couch. I was reading an article on my phone and I could hear her talking. I thought at first she was talking to me. So I began what I thought was a conversation with her. It turned out that she wasn’t talking to me she was talking to somebody who was sitting next to me who I couldn’t see. There was a magazine between the two of us.

I went back to reading feeling like an idiot realizing she wasn’t having a conversation with me. The conversation began to get more and more animated. The woman began to get louder and louder. I started to feel really uncomfortable. Her daughter who was 5 feet away from us in a manicure chair looked over at me and said are you okay? And I nodded and said yes I’m fine. The woman sitting next to me turned and looked at me and started screaming. The profanities were horrible. I thought her eyes were going to come out of her eye sockets. She kept clenching her fists and raving about wanting to hurt people.

By now I am extraordinarily concerned for my safety- I’m not sure whether to call 911 or prepare to have to take her down if she attempts to assault me. The nail techs around me were all Vietnamese and they begin to speak in very low tones that were soft in short bursts. Later I found out that they were talking among themselves and wondering if they should call the police.

Finally the daughter said to her mother to be quiet and the woman got up and started flailing her arms and I was just ready to protect myself when she grabbed her mother by the arm and walked her out the door. The woman then proceeded to pound on the windshield and hood of the car screaming about wanting to call the police because I had stolen her air and committed grand larceny- Or something like that.

The poor nail techs got up and went to shut the door and lock it. They were that scared. The daughter got her mother in the car and it turned out all her mother wanted to was smoke. Something she couldn’t do in the shop. It was a trigger for her and she couldn’t use her words. Then the outbursts began and she couldn’t stop herself. She was just so incredibly angry. Angry and raving and furious. And in between the raving she would mutter and it was low and guttural and it was just so scary.

Her daughter came back looking defeated and she began to apologize and I thought she was going to cry. She said her mother was a paranoid unmedicated schizophrenic. Her mom lived alone and did call the police a lot and they knew her very well. But she was unmedicated and refuses medication. Even sadder was after talking to the daughter for a short period of time it was evident that this woman as well had some pretty significant mental health issues.

The only way this woman can get any help is when the police are called and they take her in and put her on a 72 hour hold- Medicate her while she’s in the hospital and then after 72 hours they have to let her go.

Now while this scared the shit out of me it made me angry and sad that there’s not more help for people like this in our society. I realize that this woman refusing medication is her choice but if she’s not altogether and her mental health is compromised to begin with does she really have the capacity to make decisions for herself and her health?

This is all very disturbing to me. Very disturbing.

When we dig deep

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You’ll find that I don’t very often write about my partner, my relationship, or my marriage much on my blog. It’s not that I don’t want to- I think I probably would benefit from just having a big fat core dump of what’s running around in my head regarding my relationship.

However, I am of the school that some things should remain private and I don’t feel it would be fair or appropriate to write about my relationship with my partner.

So I don’t very often.

What I will say is that being 50 gives me the autonomy, the courage, and the opportunity to change my mind about many things.

For instance the agreement I made with my partner was that I would work until we had children and then I would be the one to stay home and raise and take care of the children. That would mean tending to their needs and wants, be in charge of running the house, making sure lunches are packed and making sure homework was done etc…

And almost 20 years later with a child who is of middle school age – I find that my wants and desires have changed in regards to that and it’s me who would like more freedom and have the ability to travel for my job that I do from home. To spend time with grown-ups and have philosophical conversations about subject matter that I’m interested in.

I’ve had a really tough time with my wants and desires and goals changing. I have felt extraordinarily guilty because I don’t want the same things I did almost 20 years ago. I have felt extraordinarily guilty about wanting to negotiate about the agreements I made with my partner almost years ago. I don’t want my partner or my child to feeling anyway that I don’t love them or that they are second in my life. Or that I want to leave them- Physically or emotionally. But I am needing some different things in my life and I think it’s extraordinarily important that I find them and implement them in my life.

And then of course there’s menopause which added to the pot changes everything once again.

What I will share with you is that when you’re young and impressionable and you really don’t know who you are you will find yourself going to great lengths to be accepted. And during that precarious time in your life you might find yourself agreeing to things at the core level you wouldn’t necessarily be comfortable with — all for the sake of wanting to be accepted and loved.

So now almost 20 years later and me being 50 years old many things in my heart and my head are changing. I’m realizing it’s okay for the first time of my life to put myself first and not stand two steps behind my partner in every area of our life.

Some days that’s a very scary place to be- To just put your chin out there and say “hey it’s my turn to go first this time” – Are actually say the words “What about me?” To realize that the job you do have possesses just as much worth, power and holds as much weight as your partners even though you’re not making the same salary he does.

And that you realize that emotionally you may have been sleeping for a really long time and now that you’re awake you’re looking around at your surroundings and realizing that there are some things that just need to change.

That’s what happens when we get real and we dig deep.

Tomorrow is the first day of school


What a lot of you don’t know about me is that I homeschool my seventh grader.

We began this journey last year when my son was diagnosed with ASD (autism). We found he did much better at home and he did in a brick-and-mortar school. So now this year his best friend is going to homeschool with him:). I will have two monkeys to keep track of and we are super excited:)

In fact, we are so excited that tomorrow is pajama day!! The kids will get up, shower and get into a fresh pair of pajamas and that’s what they get to go to school in!

Let the shenanigans begin! There’s lots of learning, education, philosophy, discussion, and shenanigans that go on at this house 🙂

I hate waiting


I hate waiting.

The endless blood tests. And then we wait. The parade of doctors. And then we wait. More conversations-And we wait some more. More scans, x-rays, and more medical tests.

And then we wait.

And we wait…

And we wait again some more.

We hear a lot ” I don’t know ” or ” It could be…” or ” It might be” or ” It’s probably not this.” or ” It’s probably not that”

And then we wait again.

And then we worry while we wait.

We watch people come and go. It’s incredibly frightening when we watch people go in and their families are called into the “quiet room” – Which should really be called the doom room. There is never any good news that is given in the quiet room. In fact it should be changed to the sobbing hysterically room. Because that’s the sound that you hear from the quiet room is typically people sobbing hysterically.

Finally it’s our turn- We hear the opinions, and thoughts, and we make a plan-

And then we wait some more.

Why does time seem to fly by?

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always have the best intentions. In fact, my best intentions are either at night or when I find myself busy with “other stuff“(work) that think about writing aboputting pen to paper and writing.

My friend Poolie  writes almost daily. She tells me she writes almost daily with strong coffee, soft music and incense.  She said its almost like a prayer. I can see where I need to incorporate some of that discipline in my life – a way to begin my day or end my day.

There’s many things I should be doing:

meditation, prayer, exercise 7 days a week of some kind, 8 glasses of water a day – the list goes on. And I keep meaning to do those things but I don’t always make the mark.

Instead I’m going to rock out to really loud music with my guitar hero guitar in my pajamas with some serious bedhead 🙂